


remember that i love you

by live_laugh_murder



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, I have no idea what else to tag, Love Confessions, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 17:31:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9335255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/live_laugh_murder/pseuds/live_laugh_murder
Summary: Sitting and waiting and watching are three things that Thomas's life has a lot of. But when he watches the love of his life try to kill himself, he does whatever he has to to change that.





	

Thomas knew his life would be an adventure from the moment that boy came to his door late at night, looking for fun. Even in the prison of WICKED, he would always feel free, around Newt and his other friends.

That night was the beginning of something amazing, Thomas's first feeling of family and friends and safety. Of happiness.

From then on, the group had secret meetings in the maintenance closet, with Minho making his stupid jokes, and Alby making fun of him, and Teresa laughing, one of the few times he saw her look happy. And Newt. There was something special about him, and Thomas knew it. The calmness in him, and the way he made Thomas somehow know everything would be okay in the end.

Through good and bad, those kids were with Thomas, something he'll always be thankful for. But he could never be as happy as he was whenever he saw Newt, or when the boy spoke to him, calm and reassuring, no matter what they were talking about.

"Where are we going?" Thomas finally asks as he follows his friend down the winding halls of WICKED. "No one told me we were meeting tonight."

Newt presses a finger to his lips, shaking his head. So he pushes back his curiosity and sighs, rolling his eyes.

Finally they stop at a door, identical to Thomas's bedroom door, and Newt turns the handle and opens it.

It's the same generic bedroom as his, with the desk and chair against the wall and the empty bed across from it. But that's it. As far as he's concerned, this room has been unoccupied for years.

"We're not meeting tonight," Newt says as he closes the door, flashing a small smile at Thomas. "At least, they're not." Then he shrugs. "I just wanted it to be me and you tonight. I never get to see you without the others distracting me."

Thomas chuckles, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Uh... Y - Yeah, okay... I guess Minho is pretty loud. Can't really have an actual conversation with him around."

Newt nods and sits on the bed, allowing Thomas to climb under the thin white sheet and lean against the headboard. "So. Tommy. How's it going?"

Raising an eyebrow, Thomas chuckles, and he can feel himself relax at Newt calling him Tommy, at the smile that just won't disappear. "Y'know, after years of being best friends, you'd think you could do better than 'how's it going.'"

"I guess you're right," Newt says with a shrug. "But I meant with the cure. Are you getting any closer? I mean, you're their favorite. You and Teresa. Don't they share anything with you?"

"Oh. Um. Right." Thomas sighs, stopping himself before spilling out all the plans for the Maze. But really, Newt deserves to know. He's the only one that isn't immune, it makes sense he's so concerned. So Thomas straightens up again, looking down and focusing his eyes on Newt's hands, folded in his lap. "It's gonna take a while. But we have plans for an idea to be able to study patterns in everyone's minds."

"Great. What plans?"

Thomas glances up, seeing that childlike look of hope in Newt's eyes, and he shakes his head. "Teresa and I, we're helping to build a Maze. You and Minho and Alby, and everyone else is gonna get put in there, and they're gonna study the patterns in your brains when they give you different kinds of variables."

Newt looks confused for a moment, then angry. "What the bloody hell is that gonna do?"

"It's gonna help, Newt, we just have to - "

"How do you know?" Newt asks. "You don't even know all the plans, do you?"

Thomas swallows. "No. But Teresa said - "

That's when Newt suddenly stands up, a furious expression taking over the usual calm one he has. "Teresa doesn't know what she's bloody talking about."

"What?" Why is he so angry? What does Teresa have to do with anything?

Newt huffs angrily, stepping away as Thomas stands up and walks toward him. "We're trapped here, Tommy. We don't have a choice in anything in our lives. And now they just want to trap us somewhere else?"

"It's for good reason, okay?" Thomas tries to promise. "You should understand that more than anyone. You need this the most."

The other boy lets out a chuckle, but the sound that comes out sounds nothing like Newt. It's angry and sarcastic and annoyed. "Oh, yeah. WICKED is good, right? I don't believe it for a bloody second."

"What is wrong with you?" Thomas asks, his own voice getting a bit louder. At the back of his mind, he's worried about someone hearing them, but he's too focused on Newt to care. "You're the one always trying to talk some sense into us. Just be reasonable and think for a second. Remember what Teresa said? About how it's better to be in here, safe, than - "

"Shut up about Teresa!" Newt yells, like a gunshot in the quiet. Thomas steps back in surprise. "Just shut up."

Thomas is quiet for a moment, then gets his courage back and shakes his head. "What's your problem with Teresa, man? We're on the side."

"This isn't about sides," Newt says, quieter now.

"Than what the hell is it about?"

It takes Newt forever to actually start talking, but when he does he steps closer to Thomas, and Thomas doesn't make a move to step away. Newt looks down for a moment then back up at his friend, sighing almost sadly. "For a genius, you're pretty stupid sometimes."

"If you're just gonna insult me, I'm leaving."

So Thomas goes to walk away, but Newt grabs his hand and turns him back toward him. And he doesn't let go, just stands there and loosely holds his hand in his own. "She likes you, Tommy. She really, really likes you. Everyone can see it. Minho and Alby are betting on who's gonna make the first move."

Thomas scoffs, shaking his head. "I don't - I mean - She's my friend."

"Yeah, for now," Newt says bitterly. Then his voice softens, and he looks at Thomas with those calming, beautiful eyes. "Tommy... I don't want anyone to make the first move. I - I can't stand the thought of - of you with her. With anyone."

Thomas stands in shock for a few seconds, then manages to stupidly sputter out, "So - So you're saying... You like me?"

And Newt nods, his hand tightening on Thomas's. "Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying."

A huge grin breaks out on Thomas's face, and he laughs softly. "Well, I can tell you right now that you don't have to worry about Teresa."

Before he knows what's happening, Newt is on him, and they're on the bed, hugging tightly, and Newt only pulls back to admire how beautiful Thomas is. Then he closes the gap between them, their lips moving together until they get too tired, so they lie there and cuddle for the rest of the night.

And that's when Thomas knows. Maybe they are stuck in a prison, and maybe they'll never escape - But as long as Newt is by his side, he feels completely content with any stupid Variable that's thrown at them.

-

The night before the first group of boys is scheduled to enter the Maze, Thomas is unsuccessfully trying to sleep when he hears a familiar knock on his door. A secret knock him and Newt had made up a long time ago for when they wanted to sneak around late at night.

Thomas throws his blankets off and makes his way to the door, opening it slowly and letting his boyfriend in. Newt immediately embraces him in a hug, his lips kissing his hair gently.

"Newt?" Thomas finally asks, pulling away. "What - What's up?" He didn't know how his friends would be acting toward him. They're entering a dangerous maze with no memories, and he practically built it, so why would they not be upset?

But Newt just pulls away and kisses Thomas, their hands intertwined. "It's our last night together, Tommy," he says, a certain sadness filling his voice. "I'm not wasting it."

Thomas sighs, looking down. "Newt... I'm so sorry..."

"I'm not mad."

"You're not?"

Newt shakes his head. "No. I know I should be, but I can't. I love you. I don't want to be angry when I'll forget this ever happened tomorrow."

Something tugs at Thomas's heart, and he can feel a heavy pain beginning in his chest. How is he handling this better than him? How is he so calm? Even if they ever see each other again, Newt won't remember him. He might not remember either. "I - I don't want you to forget me, Newt... I can't..." And he can't stop himself from letting out a sob. "I love you so much, I don't want you to... Please..." He doesn't even know what he's asking for, but everything hurts so much, and he just keeps saying it over and over again. "Please, please, please..."

He's pulled back into Newt's arms, and he doesn't bother hugging him back, his hands too busy holding his head and wiping his tears. "Shh, Tommy, shh..." he says, and Thomas swears he hears a crack in the boy's voice. "It won't be forever. Everyday that I'm in there, I promise I'll wait for you. To see you again."

Thomas halfheartedly shakes his head. "You won't remember, Newt."

"I'll remember," Newt promises. "I'll figure out a way to remember."

They stand like that until Thomas can calm himself down and make it look like it never happened, then Newt takes a hold of his hand starts leading him through the halls, down to the maintenance room. Minho and Alby are already there, but as soon as the door opens, Minho's faint smile completely disappears.

"You didn't say you were bringing him."

Newt sighs. "He's our friend. It's our last night."

Minho scoffs, standing up. "So, what? You wanna make some memories? When he's just gonna take them away from us tomorrow."

"I - I can't stop it," Thomas tries to start. "I'm sorry."

"Bullshit," Minho scoffs. "All you care about is yourself. You obviously have some power in this place, so why wouldn't you try to protect us? Your friends?"

Thomas looks to Alby for help, but he's looking down at his feet. He doesn't make a move to stand up for him. Not that he deserves it.

"I'm sorry, Minho, I can't." Thomas looks around, a sad expression on his face. "I wish I could. But it's not gonna matter in a few years. We'll find the cure and everything will be - "

But he can't continue, because Minho is tackling him to the ground, his fist coming down on his face multiple times. "You're a traitor! You were never our friend! It was always them!"

Newt is struggling to pull Minho away, yelling at Alby to help, but Minho is thrashing around too much. Thomas doesn't try to fight back, knowing he probably deserves this.

"Minho! Knock it off!" Newt screams.

It's when Alby finally helps that they can get the boy off of Thomas, but he just pushes them away. "Don't touch me!" And he huffs, glaring at each of them before shoving past Thomas and leaving the room.

Alby sighs, nodding once at him. "Goodbye, Thomas."

"Alby, wait - " But its too late. He's gone.

Thomas turns back to Newt, his face bloody and bruised. Tears are once again in his eyes, and he chokes out a cry of pain and misery. He misses them already and they aren't even gone. Although, they might as well be. They hate him. It's the last thing they'll feel when they think of him, until they don't even know who he is.

"Tommy..." Newt takes a shaky breath, sounding in tears himself. "Let's get you cleaned up..."

By the time Newt takes Thomas back to his room, both their faces are covered in tears.

"I won't forget you," Newt says for a second time. "I don't care what they do. I'll remember you somehow."

Thomas nods, though neither of them believe it. "Thanks, Newt."

"I love you, Tommy."

Those are the last words he said to Thomas before giving him a kiss and walking away, forgetting about him completely only a few hours later.

-

Thomas is sitting in his little observation room, eating his breakfast and reading a book. He takes breaks every once in a while to see what the Gladers are up to. Right now the runners are departing, heading in separate directions.

Newt is running today, making Thomas want to put down his book and just spend the day with him. He does that sometimes, just stays with Newt, pretending like everything is okay, like they're back to normal, like he has any idea who he actually is.

He stops running after about ten minutes, leaning against one of the walls and staring up at the sky. A part of Thomas hopes something will go wrong with the fake sky, and Newt will realize that this is all just some stupid illusion. Then he could find a way out, find a way back to Thomas.

But instead he grips onto a vine of ivy and starts climbing, slowly making his way up.

They've already tried this twelve times, each attempt failing. But Thomas admires Newt's persistence.

He switches the view to a different beetle blade, bringing it up on the big screen. As he gets a closer look, he can see tears falling from Newt's eyes, his chin wobbling as if he's trying to hold back from screaming and breaking down.

That's when he knows something's wrong. And Thomas is suddenly out of his chair, his food and book falling to the floor. "Newt," he whispers. "What are you doing?"

Newt pauses and looks below him, and apparently decides it's not high enough. He keeps climbing.

"Stop," Thomas says, louder, hoping that maybe the beetle blade will pick it up and Newt will hear it. But that doesn't happen, and Newt keeps going, looking more and more broken the higher he goes. "Newt, please, stop!"

Thomas stumbles away, tears blurring his vision as he watches the boy he loves break. "Stop, please! Don't!"

Somewhere in her mind, Teresa must have sensed something was wrong, or maybe Thomas accidentally called for her, but she's suddenly by his side, holding him up. "What's going on?"

Thomas screams out a sob as he pushes her away. "I have to go - I have to go - "

"No - No, Thomas, you can't," Teresa counters, trying to pull him back to his senses. "You can't."

"Look what he's doing, Teresa! He's - " But he can't say it, and he barely registers what Newt is saying to the beetle blade. About it being their fault. His fault. It's his fault.

Thomas finds his way back to the monitors, making it just in time to see Newt release his grip on the ivy, falling down, down, and further down. He screams as he watches, as if he's the one falling, trying to end his life. "No! Please, stop! Newt!"

He's aware of the door opening and guards grabbing him by the arms, but he just slips out of their grasp and runs back, a look of complete horror on his face as he hears his best friend scream out in pain, "I hate you!"

That's when he falls to his knees, unable to hold himself any longer. He trembles with every word, screaming even louder. "Newt!"

 _Please let him hear me_ , he thinks to himself. _Please_.

He kicks and kicks as he's grabbed and dragged away, passing Teresa, who's staring sadly, tears in her eyes. People have gathered around, having heard the commotion, but he doesn't care. He just needs him. Newt.

"Let me go! Newt! Let me go! I have to - I have to help him, he's - LET GO OF ME!"

But the outburst doesn't help, and he's thrown into his room, the door slammed and locked before he can fight to get back out. And, impossibly, he breaks down even more in there, alone.

-

Leaving Thomas alone in a room for hours wasn't the smartest thing to do, apparently, because by the time he hears his door unlock and food is brought to him, he has a plan. He doesn't eat his lunch, feeling too sick and heartbroken to even look at it. But as soon as he's sure it's safe, he sends a message to Teresa.

 _I need your help. Meet me by the Box_.

He can feel Teresa hesitate as he walks through the halls, hands stuffed in his pockets.

 _Tom, please be reasonable with this_.

He doesn't reply, just hoping it's enough to get Teresa to come.

She's already there when he enters the room, leaning against a desk with her arms crossed. "Don't do anything stupid."

Thomas gets right to it, knowing he can't waste any time.

"Teresa. He's our friend. My - I love him, okay? And you know that. I need to see him. I need to get up there."

Teresa just sighs. "He's okay. Clint and Jeff wrapped him up and he's resting. He's okay."

"But what he did isn't!" Thomas exclaims. "This is what they're doing! Making our friends so miserable that it would lead one of them to try and - " He stops short, shaking his head. "I can't lose him. I can't lose Newt. Please."

Teresa is silent for a few moments, her expression unreadable. Then she relaxes, giving in. "You can't stay. You know that, right?"

"I just need you to get me as much time as you can."

Teresa nods. "Fine."

Just as he's about to start climbing up the ladder, the door swings open and a security guard rushes in. Quickly, Thomas pulls a knife out of his pocket and forces it in Teresa's hand. Then he runs, stepping on each rung as fast as he can, then jumping down into the Box. Before he can look back and see what's happening, the compartment lurches and he starts rising.

It feels longer than he knows it actually is, and all he can do is sit and think. About Newt. About his friends. About what he needs to say to convince them that he has no idea what's going on, that he doesn't remember anything.

When the Box stops, he stands and looks up, waiting for the doors to open. As they do, he can hear muttering, whispering. They're confused. Which is understandable, since they aren't supposed to get a new arrival for weeks,

Thomas covers his eyes, blinded by the bright light he's not used to, and groans. A rope is dropped down with a big knot tied at the bottom, and he holds on tight as they pull him up and drop him on the ground.

"Welcome to the Glade, Greenie," he hears a voice say, and looks up to see Alby standing over him. "Now, can you tell me what the hell you're doing here so early?"

Thomas shakes his head, testing his acting skills by looking around and stumbling to his feet. The Gladers are surrounding him, and he has no where to go. "Wh - Where am I?"

Alby motions for everyone to step back and grabs Thomas by the arm. "Can you tell me your name?"

He hesitates. "Uh - Thomas."

"Alright. I'm Alby."

"Why can't I remember anything?" Thomas asks, worried that maybe he's not very convincing. Maybe Alby can see right through him.

Alby sighs as he starts leading Thomas through the big group of boys, walking around the Glade and past the stations they have set up, where boys are slowly getting back to work, losing interest. "It happened to all of us. No one knows where we are or... why we're here."

Thomas stops talking, feeling like he's lost all of his energy, and zones out as he listens to Alby explain roles and how the Glade works, the rules about never going beyond the walls, all the stuff he already knows.

"Do you have any questions?" Alby finally asks.

Thomas shakes his head, saying, "I... I just don't get it..."

"None of us do," Alby says with a slight chuckle. "We just gotta live and survive the best we can... You seem calm. Most of you new shanks klunk your pants at least once when you get here."

"I don't know... Maybe I'm just in shock," Thomas suggests weakly.

As the fake sky starts dimming a bit, Thomas notices the runners coming back from the Maze, going straight for the map room. Alby claps him on the back. "I need to do a quick check on everyone, make sure things are running smoothly. Can you just sit tight for a bit?"

Thomas just nods and watches as Alby walks away.

As soon as he knows he's safe, while everyone is busy minding their own business, he heads straight for the Homestead. He stops himself from running as fast as he can to get to Newt, somehow, and finally gets in and goes straight up the stairs, trying to prepare himself to finally see the boy he loves after much too long.

"Newt?" he calls as he nears the door, taking a deep breath. It's silence on the other side, and he takes a shaky breath and opens it.

Newt is lying on the small bed, looking sad and dirty. Thomas's eyes fall right on his leg, wrapped up in a makeshift cast, blood seeping through it. His heart breaks all over again, and he can barely hold himself up as he slowly makes his way over.

Minho is sitting in a chair right next to him, tears streaking his face, but he stands up and looks tough as soon as he sees Thomas. "Who are you?"

Thomas can feel his chin wobbling and eyes stinging, and he can't stop looking at Newt, who looks confused and broken. "Newt..."

"Who the bloody hell are you? How do you know my name?"

It hurts so bad to have his best friends not know who he is, but he was expecting it. Still, he has to put a hand over his mouth to stop himself from screaming and breaking down for a second time that day.

"You need to get out," Minho finally says, going push him out of the room, but Thomas shakes his head.

"No, Minho, wait." He does, obviously confused as to why this stranger knows them. "My name is Thomas. It's gonna take a long time to explain, but we were best friends. Our whole lives."

That seems to get his attention, and Minho steps back. "You have your memories?"

Thomas nods. "All of them. But, please, before I tell you, I - I need to be alone with Newt."

Minho scoffs, glancing at the confused boy in bed, and shakes his head. "No way. I'm not leaving some stranger alone with him. Who knows what you'll do."

Thomas looks at Newt, too, letting tears fall as he shakily breathes. "Please. You have to trust me."

"And why would I?"

Thomas hesitates for a moment, trying to compose himself enough to speak normally. "Okay. Uh... The day the first big group of you arrived, you had blood and bruises on your knuckles, right? You were confused. You didn't know what happened or what you did to get them."

Minho slowly nods.

"You were attacking me. You were angry with me and you started hitting me and Newt and Alby had to pull you off of me."

Before Minho can say anything else, Newt finally speaks up. "Just go. I want to talk to him."

Minho huffs, giving Thomas a weird look before leaving the room.

Thomas immediately rushes back to Newt's side, his face once again twisted in heartbreak and agony. "Newt... I - I'm so sorry... This is my - my fault, I can't... I'm so sorry..." He just wants to kiss him, to make everything better, but the logical side of him knows he can't, that it would just make things worse. "I just needed to see you."

Newt just stares up at him for a moment before asking, "You know? How this happened?" He motions to his leg.

Thomas nods. "I - I watched... They tried to - to stop me, but I needed to come see you, I needed to apologize, to - to - "

It's then that Newt puts two and two together. Thomas can see it click in his eyes. "You're with them. The Creators. You're the bloody reason we're here."

"Yeah. I'm so sorry. That's why I came, I can't just sit and watch anymore." Thomas wipes more tears. "It's never going to stop."

"You better have an amazing excuse before I call Minho in here to throw you back down the Box."

Thomas sits down in the chair Minho was in, taking a big breath. "It's a really long story, and I don't think I have much longer."

He takes a few minutes to quickly go over the basics of what happened to the world, the disease that's spreading, and the search for a cure.

"So they're killing kids for a bloody cure?" Newt finally says. "Why won't you and this Teresa you're talking about just stop? It's wrong."

Thomas nods softly. "I've tried. You can't change her mind on anything."

"Well. She sounds like a bitch," Newt says, pure anger on his face.

He can't help but chuckle a bit at this. "You hated her before, too."

"What?"

"Teresa. You were jealous of her. You hated when she came to our secret meetings. You didn't like that she had feelings for me."

Newt is silent for the longest time, just looking back and forth between Thomas and his leg, and up at the ceiling a couple of times. "Since I got here," he says after a few minutes, "I've felt like I've been waiting for something. I don't know what. But now, I... I don't feel like I'm waiting anymore."

Thomas glances up hopefully. "The night before you were sent here, you told me you were gonna wait for me. Until we see each other again."

"You know what?" Newt says after a pause. "I think I believe you, Tommy."

At this, Thomas lets himself go. He releases a loud sob, his head in his hands, and he can feel Newt's hand on his shoulder and then his hair. "I love you so much, Newt... You don't even know who I am, but I love you so much. I'm sorry. For everything."

When he looks up, he sees silent tears on Newt's face. "It's okay, Tommy. We'll get out of here. It's all gonna be okay."

Thomas is going to hug Newt, kiss him, and he's ready to never let go, when the other boy recoils. His hands fly to his head and his eyes are shut tight.

"Newt?"

"My head. My head!" Newt screams. "It hurts! It hurts, it bloody hurts! Make it stop!"

Eyes wide, Thomas looks around, having no idea what to do, what's going on. And then he feels Teresa.

_They're remotely controlling their memories, Tom. You need to get out. It won't stop until you're out._

Thomas shakes his head, holding Newt so close he thinks they might be glued together. _No, I can't. Just a little longer. Please. I can't leave now._

But there's no answer, and Thomas's chest feels heavy and painful. "Newt, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Please. I'm coming back, I promise. I'll see you again. And you'll remember me."

He kisses Newt's lips, eyes closed as tears threaten to spill. "I love you."

He starts to walk away, but Newt grabs his hand. When he turns around, his eyes are open, pure agony evident in them. "I love you. I'll remember that. I love you, Tommy."

Thomas nods, squeezing Newt's hand one last time before running out, passing Minho in agony in the hall, passing the boys rolling on the ground, passing his friends having their minds played with and jumping into the Box. It immediately starts falling, and he leaves them all behind.

The next time he sees the Box, he's frightened and confused, not knowing who these boys surrounding him are. Not knowing who he is.


End file.
